So, I know this will be perceived as a very narcissistic or self-effacing post, but as I struggle to understand my own hurtful behaviour, I feel I need to be brave and write it in public, not just for you, the person I wiggled my willy at, but to the public.
All this website really is, is a façade hiding a human being that doesn’t know how to be with other people. I do comedy to break that barrier and promote not just the humour within me, but the exploration of a human spirit moulded into a consumer, a sponge, someone who takes and never gives back. And each day, I hate myself for doing that.
And today, I saw something specific by one ex-girlfriend that pained me, but a selfish pain, and I realised it’s the same with every ex-girlfriend whose company I’ve had the privilege to enjoy, and I just feel that they deserve an apology.
So, here goes
If you’re reading this, and we’ve dated, this message is for you.
I think you’re amazing. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and it’s not a statement to placate your insecurity or just to shut you up. Out of the category you fit in in my mind, you were exceptional and unique.
When I was with you, if my mind was away, I could’ve been flighty, my ambitions were skewed and most of the time my procrastination overwhelmed all my motivation.
But in the corner of my mind, when I worked hard during our time together, you were there.
Why am I not sending you a personal message? Why am I airing out my dirty laundry to the world instead of being a man and simply messaging my apology? I have no reason to, we’re done, there’s nothing between us but my feelings for you. Why you don’t receive one is because you don’t deserve one. However, this public apology is for me, I want to do it. I’m stuck in a job I’m don’t particularly enjoy, and I’d rather run to the beach, gather all of you together and shout this commiseration all in one. But I’ll do it here, and you can choose to accept it.
When I lacked confidence
My confidence could’ve been so low I wouldn’t want to leave where I was, my insecurities so profound I couldn’t face the atrocities and expectations strangers had of me. In those many times when I really didn’t want to go dancing, partying at someone’s home you knew but I didn’t, I couldn’t bare to face lying about how happy we were, the crappy stories we’d pull or the little dual games we’d play with friends that basked in our happiness.
But when we remained at home, you made me so happy. I could see you weren’t satisfied with just being on the couch, or lying in bed, that you wanted to free your body with fun and exercise and gayfulness, while I wasted my own on chips and snacks and PlayStation. And I agonised deep inside as I knew my instinctual and caveman-like behaviour compelled you to slip away every minute, but just that time being with you I could never forget.
Compared to other people
I know you also thought about the people you were with before, while standing next to me or watch me speak. I knew you were comparing me to other men, to other women, how to improve what my own faults were and how to change how I react or behave. I was aware you wished that you were with somebody else, somebody previous or someone new. While we were together you met someone that you would’ve preferred to have been with, sad in the knowledge that you promised yourself to me and I wasn’t good enough for what you wanted. And yes, on the only occasion I’m aware of, you did give yourself to someone else for a night or two, or five, without my knowledge, and my discovery of that fact destroyed the love I had for you, and my willingness to part with any joy I could ever feel.
When I was with you, I too thought about others, about the women before and the women after. But it was because of what they lacked that kept me with you, what you had that inspired me to stay. I could not have been happier with anybody else and the truth of it remains.
The fights that we had
You were frustrated with me about my fault, yet I was stubborn and arrogant. I would run away from the debate, constantly marred by the negative feelings involved when I couldn’t accept the truth you presented to me, or the aspect of anger I felt at being made aware of my faults that you couldn’t endure.
And yet, I knew it was necessary. You didn’t want to actually fight with me; you wanted me to acknowledge your discomfort, that my behaviour was incoherent to the equilibrium of our arrangement. But I concede that I was too selfish to accept my own fault, that somehow it was you that fed negativity into me and made me freeze up. I didn’t want to be in that situation, but in agony I recognise you wanted me to improve and fix what I didn’t know. It has taken time, but I understand, I do, and you were absolutely right.
And when we parted, my dreams shattered and crumpled to dust, as I stare out into the future knowing the respect I am rewarded for the hard-work I achieve cannot be shared with you. You were hanging in my mental wall as I looked up towards my dreams floating in the sky, and that picture crashed to the bedroom floor, shattering into pieces, the visions of the successes I chased in my dreams which included you mired in the dirt and gunk my soul managed to fill up with.
And now, I see you are happier with the men or women you’re with. You have a smile I could never give, a glow I could never offer, and a joy I could never provide. And I am happy for you, I wish all the best, that you prosper and grow, and make your dreams come true.
And for myself, I shall never bother you. I won’t ask for favours or request that you disappear from life so that it’ll be convenient for me to settle and forget you. In fact, if anything, always be there, showing off how happy you are with the one you love. That hurts my ego, but that motivates me to carry on.
And I’ll be in the background, battling my inadequacies and my faults, my smoking and my procrastination, my narcissism and selfishness. I’ll be alone as I deserve, continuously picking myself up from my own filth as I try to scratch a life for me, and only for me. And I know I’d be ever the luckiest man alive when you think about me just once, just a smidgen, as my image floats up in your head as you cook dinner, laugh or make love.
So please, accept my apology
This blog post could mean nothing to you. You can laugh it off as some cheap theatrics I’m writing to gain sympathy from you or others and I understand that. I’ve been called an ass, a f***-tard, a selfish prick, etc. This won’t elevate me or earn me respect, and I know I haven’t covered everything I did wrong. And how can I wish for forgiveness I don’t deserve, self-respect that I’ve wasted away and contain retrieve?
To tell you the truth, this is for me, I’m writing this and letting the world know I’m not that great, that I’m at fault and nothing can change what happened. I’m doing this to better myself, to examine how I did it wrong and want to perfect myself, to be a better person and improve so that the next unlucky soul that crosses my path, doesn’t feel the same as you do.
There’s someone out there that will like me, that will want to be with me, and I need to remember where I went wrong, what I must do. I’ll straighten up in my chair, keep neat clothes, clean up and be jovial with her friends, a few examples of what is expected of me.
I’m going to continue on working hard, even though everyone may think I have nothing to give. I know I do, but I’m just bad at delivering, at showing they can trust I’ll provide what they want. I’ll give comedy my all, I’ll write that script and take on all the criticism people will be willing to provide.
But I will also be myself, I will do what I can to elevate my confidence, my posture and my pride, while remembering to take time to let whomever I’m lucky enough to be with that they’re special, that they’re in my mind everyday and I could never forget them even if I tried. Like you.
When I was with you, you were the one I wanted to be with doing all those things, being that person. While you could see my bad side, others could see the better side.
And that better side…was you.
And I’m sorry.